Episode 51: Coping with Holiday Stress: Finding YOUR Reason for the Season

Love it or hate it, the holiday season can be the most challenging and stressful time of year. Sure, there are lots of pretty sparkly things and good food and magical festivities and great sales BUT there’s also so much traffic, so many crowded stores, tons of familial and social obligations, and a surplus of financial woes. Santa always comes bearing a loaded mixed bag of both good and bad things that can make us feel all sorts of ways about all kinds of things. In the midst of all this, it’s easy to get overwhelmed, switch into auto-pilot mode and forget what this season is all about. That’s right, the reason for the season. No, we’re not going to say Jesus because we believe that the holiday season is not one-size-fits-all, and that everyone should have a chance to enjoy it on their terms and for their own reasons. And if you’re struggling to find your peace, love, and joy this year then join us as we explore a plethora of possible reasons that might help you find your holiday spirit. If you enjoy the podcast don’t forget to subscribe and please leave us a rating and review. And if you’d like to support us on Patreon you can find us at www.patreon.com/differentfunctional Thanks for listening!

AUTUMN 

 0:29 

 Welcome to the Different Functional Podcast, where we explore the triumphs and challenges of trauma, recovery and being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world. In today's episode, we're going to be talking all about finding your reason for the season. 

I am Autumn, the older sister, and when it comes to the holiday season, you know, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, this whole just mess of stuff that happens towards the end of the year, I have a complicated relationship with it, you know. As part of our facts of the day, Ivy said, you know, we should look at the biggest struggle we have with this holiday season. And for me, it's just that it's really just emotionally confusing. There's a lot of forced joviality, like you have to be happy, which makes me want to not be happy. And then there's also like a lot of memories of trauma and my grief over the loss of, you know, having that ideal Christmas and that ideal Thanksgiving and that ideal family. 

But then I also have a lot of this just super kid like desire for magic and innocence and looking at the sparkles and, you know, daydreaming that Santa exists. And so I guess for me, my biggest struggle with the holiday season is just that it's like emotionally everything at once for me. And it gets very confusing because sadness and joy and grief and love just all get mixed together. 

IVY 

1:48

I guess that's probably true for a lot of people. I think a lot of us probably have a kind of confusing and conflicted relationship with Christmas, regardless of what our background is. I know there are some people that absolutely love Christmas, and it's the best thing. And they look forward to it all year. And they put up their Christmas tree the day after Halloween. And that's great for those folks. But I do think that there's probably a lot of us out there that have a little bit of a difficult time around the holiday season. 

I am Ivy, the younger sister, and like Autumn, I also have a somewhat confusing and conflicted relationship with the holidays. Although I think my biggest struggle around the holidays is all of the family stuff. And by that I mean it's the only time of the year when I actually think that I want a family. And I say, I think that I want a family because I don't think that I actually do want a family. I think I get suckered into the idea of happy family holidays and the whole hallmark type vibe.

Because I do like the escapism and the fun, sparkly things about Christmas. And I do have a fondness for Christmas movies. And so I think that I want a family, but I also always think that I want cotton candy when I see somebody else eating cotton candy and like, I really want cotton candy. I haven't had cotton candy in forever. And then I take a bite of cotton candy and I was like, this is way too sweet, and it feels gross on my tongue. Why did I think that I wanted candy? 

And I have kind of a similar feeling about family around the holidays, because when I see a family that looks happy around the holidays, I really think that I want a family, but I see them in commercials or Christmas movies. I think I want a family, but then I remember what family means to me and I'm like, I don't think I do. I think this will be disappointing. I think it will be false marketing. I feel like it will be like I'm looking at a commercial of fast food. They always make McDonald's look really good in the commercials, but then you get it and it looks like shit. And I feel like that was like my response to family would be if I actually had a family to spend the holidays with. I think it is just a false perception I wanted. 

I can totally understand. That's how I feel about coleslaw. I know that's a little bit smaller. I'm kind of wondering, does everybody out there have a food? They feel this way? Like every time I see coleslaw on a menu or somebody's eating coleslaw, I'm like, oh my God, I love coleslaw, I want coleslaw, then I eat coleslaw and I'm like, it's disgusting. 

 AUTUMN 

 4:00 

I can totally understand. That's how I feel about coleslaw. I know that's a little bit smaller. I'm kind of wondering, does everybody out there have a food they feel this way about? Like every time I see coleslaw on a menu or somebody's eating coleslaw, I'm like, oh my God, I love coleslaw, I want coleslaw, then I eat coleslaw and I'm like, it's disgusting. 

 But I feel like there's a lot of stuff about, you know, food aside, Christmas, that's kind of like that. It's almost like a pulled toward and revolted by all at the same time. And then when you add on all that stuff that comes with the holidays, the forced joviality and that really stress on family and everything just is so much bigger and has so many more consequences, it feels like, around the holidays. It gets so hard.

And then you tack even on top of that that this is the middle of winter for, you know, people, at least on the North American continent. And that's shorter days and things get harder to do. You know, just like living in eastern Montana, I want to go out and start my car. But it was -14. So I've got to deal with the fact that something probably froze off of it. You combine all of this stuff and the holiday season can just be difficult.

And that's one of the reasons, at least I think, it can be helpful to find a reason for the season. Because I love that idea, reason for the season, but I don't really like that the Christians hijacked it because I feel like there are so many reasons for the season. And if you are Christian and Jesus is the reason for your season, that is awesome and I'm very happy for you that you have that presence of hope and that feeling of love that can get you through these difficult times. 

But for a lot of us, we're not Christian or we come from religious trauma, or even if we are of that persuasion, it's just not enough to pull us through these confusing, tumultuous times. And so that's part of why we wanted to talk about some overall reasons we can have for the season to help us get through. 

All right. So let's go ahead and just jump right into some of the reasons that Ivy and I brainstormed up. And a lot of these are personal reasons for us, but they're also reasons that we've heard from other people or that logically, we just think would be a nifty idea, even if they don't quite make it for us. Because that's the whole point, right, is we're all individuals, and so we all need to find our own reason. 

And the first one on our list is nostalgia. Just that idea of looking back and simpler times. This is a double-edged sword for a lot of us that have trauma, but if you can find some happy moments or you do have positive things you remember from your childhood, or maybe even just ideals from your childhood that you didn't get to experience, that nostalgia and that chance to almost be a kid again in a way, and be a kid again in a safe, loving environment, I think that's a great reason for the season. 

IVY

6:49

I actually think nostalgia is usually towards the top of the list for me on reasons for the season when I'm looking for ways to get through the struggle of the holiday season. And that sounds weird. Probably because if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you know that we come from a very traumatic family. And so you would think, how could nostalgia factor in there if everything was terrible for you? And family holidays were definitely not great, but I didn't hate everything about Christmas. 

In fact, when I was little, I really loved the idea of Christmas, and I loved watching Christmas movies, and I liked all of the decorations that came with it and the commercials that you would see on TV that were Santa Claus themed. I loved all of that stuff. And I actually when I think about Christmas as a child, what I usually think about is not even about our family. If I'm trying to just focus on happy things, I actually focus on things that I did at school, like Christmas crafts. I used to love doing Christmas crafts, and yeah, they were usually like nothing special and I could do them as an adult and maybe I will. Yeah, you make a turkey out of a cut out of your hand, or you make reindeer with popsicle sticks and googly eyes and glitter. 

I used to love doing Christmas crafts, and that was one of my favorite things about the holidays is that all the stuff that I got to do with school, because the whole energy at school changed. Partially because everything was centered around the, like, holiday themes, but also because you're headed towards Christmas break and you have a little bit of downtime from school. And so leading up to those holidays, they will usually do more fun things in class and less work. And for me, that was a huge relief. And that was a good time of the year for me, in the sense that I got a little bit of a break from my family when I was in school, and I can do some of those activities with my peers and get to enjoy a little bit of that Christmas spirit. Even though when I went home things were still really rough, at least for a little while, I could pretend as though I came from a happy family. I could pretend as though my life was different because I was getting to enjoy the fun things about Christmas. 

IVY

8:53

I think when I look back, one of the things that I love the most was the decorating part. And I think I've talked about this a little bit in our previous episode, was just that idea of being able to decorate and make everything pretty and magic, and I did enjoy that. I mean, I still, I would love to find those like 1960s whirligig ornaments. Or my grandma had these, I think they were from hallmark. I don't I don't even know how they had the technology back in the 90s, but it was a like a coffee mug, just a ceramic coffee mug with like, Christmas designs. But when you picked it up and tilted it, it played Christmas carols. And those were the coolest thing ever. And as a kid, I never got to drink out of those because they were decoration mugs we didn't drink out of. Those were for decoration at grandma's house. But if I had one of those, I would be drinking some sugar free, dairy free hot chocolate out of one of those and just loving the hell out of Jingle Bells, even though it drives me nuts most of the time, just to have that little piece of happiness. Because there was a lot of trauma, especially around the holidays. But there are also these few bright moments, these glimmers of hope and love and happiness, where I did feel like I got to just for that second or that minute touch, that holiday ideal. 

 IVY 

 10:11 

I also have very fond memories of all the decorating. Grandma had the best Christmas decorations in general, and grandma's place was always chill. Our house was a nightmare most of the time, but at least at Grandma's everything was calm. And so when we would help her decorate for Christmas, it felt like it actually felt like Christmas. So I have very fond memories of that too. And that's probably why I have such positive associations with Christmas lights and Christmas ornaments and all of those sorts of things. Even if I didn't do anything else for the holidays, if I ignored them completely. Otherwise, I still love the lights and the sparkles and all of that stuff. 

 AUTUMN 

 10:46 

 Now, if you're like me, like, this is great. The whole idea like, oh yeah, nostalgia is the reason for the season. And that kind of makes sense as a concept. But I really I really like the idea of But what does that look like? How can I actually do that? So if I'm interested in deep diving into nostalgia and seeing if that helps me make it through these more challenging times, what can I do? And I think one of the suggestions that Ivy already said was looking back on something you really enjoyed from childhood and then doing it, participating in it.

Like she was saying with the little crafts they did at school, that idea of now making crafts again, make a little kindergarten turkey out of construction paper, make the little – oh or the little, uh, the pom pom, uh, snowman that you had. Or if you like, decorating and that was so happy from your youth, find a way to decorate now, even if it's just a string of lights, even if it's a little tiny Charlie Brown Christmas tree. One of those four inch things, you can find a Hobby Lobby. I think that's what nostalgia looks like, at least for me. What do you think, Ivy? What does that look like? 

 IVY 

 11:50 

 I think I already described what it looks like. For me personally. It's a lot of crafts and sparkles and glitter and, you know, pretty colors and bright lights. But I also want to note here that nostalgia does not necessarily only apply to things you have personal memories and associations with, because nostalgia can also apply to just eras of the past. 

So even if you have a really hard time coming up with something that you have positive personal associations with from your childhood, maybe stretch your mind a little bit further and see if maybe there's like a period of time, like a decade where you liked the whole vibe of Christmas of that decade. Maybe it's, you know, when there was like big bands on TV and they played all the Christmas carols and their sketch type shows like Dean Martin and things like that. Maybe that appeals to you, even if you didn't grow up with that. 

Because those sorts of things appealed to me. There's a lot of things from the 50s and 60s that are holiday themed that even though I wouldn't want to live in those decades for a variety of reasons, there's still things about them that I like. Like a lot of the VHS tapes that I had growing up, when I would stay at my grandma's place, and a lot of the books and magazines and things like that, that she had, they were from bygone era to periods of time that I never lived in, but I still have positive associations with those things because it looked cool. The illustrations from those times or the movies from those times, those sorts of things still appeal to me. 

So if you are having a hard time finding any sort of nostalgic reasons for the season in terms of things that personally apply to you, personal happy memories, maybe try stretching your mind even just a little bit further and say, okay, well, I didn't have anything really positive for my childhood, but if I could have painted my childhood differently, if I had come from a different era, what would I like then? Maybe I could make an atrocious Jell-O mold, a Christmas themed Jell-O mold? 

I don't know, it might be fun to even try it, because at least it would break you out of the negativity and sadness around the holidays a little bit, because it's just something different, and it's something that's outside of the realm of normal and it kind of just breaks you out of that negative feedback loop that you can get in when you're trying to think of good things from your childhood. And your childhood was pretty rough. If that's the case for you, maybe just look at it completely different decade, maybe pretend like you had a different life and explore some themes from a decade that appeals to you, where you liked the Christmas aesthetic of that time. 

 AUTUMN 

 14:20 

I'm personally going to vote, especially for the horrible Christmas gelatin mold, because I'm thinking like a Christmas pan with the horrible Jell-O mold, like, looks like a Christmas tree. And you know what we have now that they didn't have in the 50s? Edible glitter. So Christmas tree, horrible Jell-O mold, edible glitter. I'm just saying, I think this is a good idea.

Now, the next thing on our list, which is somewhat interrelated to nostalgia, is the idea of traditions. You know, doing the same little thing in the same way as your parents or your grandparents or as a previous generation did. You know, we talked a little bit about the decorating and how Ivy and I like that. And one of the reasons I actually love the idea of the decorations isn't just the happy moments I had and the really cool coffee mugs that I really, really want. It was also that my mom had a tradition that every Christmas, she made every single one of us kids a little ornament and it would be different every year. 

So one year she'd get the that plastic cloth and she'd make these little 3D Christmas presents out of the plastic cloth and yarn. And then another year she cut out tin, and another year she did wood burnings. But every year it was a new ornament. And I loved that. I don't know why, but little me just was so excited. There was a Christmas present and that was great. But my ornament of the year was like the highlight every year is what mom was going to make me. 

And that's actually something that I'm doing now for the past few years, come hell or high water, I've been doing my best to try and make a little ornament for the people in my life that I love, because I want to carry that tradition forward. And since I don't have kids, I adapted it a little. 

 IVY 

 16:00 

 I am a lucky recipient of those ornaments every year, and I'm always excited to see what it is that Autumn comes up with because it's always very creative. I think my favorite one, and it might have been the first year, I don't know, maybe I just think it's the first year because it stands out in my mind because I like it so much. She made me an ornament that was a pine cone that she took felt, and she turned it into a little fox. So it had the fox face and the fox tail and the fox had like a pirate eye patch. And even when it's not Christmas, I keep that fox near me. It's right -  It's next to me on a little table next to my desk right now because it's my favorite ornament that she's made. So I'm a lucky recipient of the ornaments that she makes as a Christmas tradition. And I did really value the fact that I made those for us every year. 

Although I think the holiday traditions that appealed the most to me were the decorating the tree was the big thing. I loved the decorating, but the other thing was, there was a certain set of movies that we watched every single year. They weren't always on the same day, they weren't always watched in the same order. But we had certain movies that we watched every single year. There was Charlie Brown Christmas and Mixed Nuts and White Christmas and Opus and Bill a Wish For Wings That Work. I think those are the main ones. I also always watched The Muppet Christmas Carol. 

But there are just certain Christmas movies that we watched consistently every single year, and that's one of the things that I've carried on into adulthood. I don't watch every single one of those movies every year, but I make a point to watch at least one of those movies every year. Even the years when I'm kind of a humbug - I don't want anything to do with Christmas, I still will watch at least one of those movies that we watched every year, because that was one of the few little glimmers of goodness that I had was that tradition of we always watch White Christmas every single year. Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney and Danny Kaye, and that's what we do, because that's what's done in this family. We watch musicals for Christmas, damn it. And I still do that now. 

AUTUMN

18:05 

I do still have a fondness for White Christmas, and it actually took me a few years to realize that there was no exception. Because most people don't like musicals I have found out. And I get that and I was like, okay, yeah, my current boyfriend, my friend, whatever, they don't like musicals, but it's White Christmas. It's a Christmas thing. Like, that was just what you did. It didn't matter that it was a musical. It was White Christmas at Christmas, obviously, you watched it. You're like for musicals was a moot point, but apparently it doesn't work that way because not everybody has the same traditions. 

And that's why when it comes to what does this one look like? Well, it really depends on you and your family. And what was a tradition in your family that you enjoyed around the holidays, if there were any? 

And now if there weren't, though, it's never too late to make some. I think there's a -  I've seen it on my Facebook feed like a thousand times now about some of these fond memories of Big Sandwich Day, where their dad made up this fake holiday for the kids that after Thanksgiving, they get the biggest loaf of bread they could and they'd make this sandwich together as a family. And I've seen other things like that to where a parent just decides, hey, I'm going to do this for my kids. We're going to do this moving forward. And so even if you didn't have any traditions, you can specifically look back and say, yeah, that's happy. That would help me. Well, what about creating some what traditions would you like to create?

 IVY 

 19:25

I am a huge fan of the idea of creating your own traditions, especially when you did get a rough start in life and your family was not great and the holiday season was hard. Where Autumn and I are lucky in the sense that even with everything that went on in our family, we still have a few great things to hold on to. But not everybody does. And even with us, those bright things that we can hold on to, sometimes it's just still not enough to compensate for all of the bullshit, to be perfectly honest. And so when you can create your own traditions, in some ways it's very - maybe this sounds cliche and stupid, but I find it kind of empowering because you're taking you're taking the holiday season back in a way. 

Maybe you didn't get to have good Christmases and good holidays when you were a kid, but you're not a kid anymore and you can decide to a certain degree, you're still going to be impacted by things that happen to you in the past. Trauma still affects us years and years down the road, but you can do something to reclaim that season for yourself. And I think creating traditions that are meaningful for you and bring you joy is a great way to do that. 

Kelvin and I kind of created a tradition unintentionally. For the last couple of years. I have kind of been warming back up to Christmas. After our mom died, I really struggled with Christmas for a few years and just wanted to completely ignore it. But I've been warming up to Christmas a little bit the past couple of years and I wanted to get a tree, but instead of going to a tree farm, Kelvin being Kelvin, he was like, let's go off roading and let's go find a tree in the wilderness that we can use. And so we went off roading. The first year we got stuck in - we got stuck on a mountain. We never did get the tree because we had to dig the car out. But even when we were stuck on the mountain -  It was a really cold and I was nervous there for a while we weren't going to make it back down the mountain that night. We were have to spend the night up there. Thankfully we did get out, but I still have fond memories of that because there was all this beautiful white, fluffy snow and I was with this person that I deeply cared about, and we were excited about going and getting a tree, even though the tree never materialized. To me, that still made for a good Christmas. 

And so last year for Christmas, neither of us was in the mood to do anything Christmassy. But we went off roading again. We didn't go in search of a tree this time, but we did go off roading again. We spent the entire day in the mountains, driving through the snow and looking at all just the beautiful trees covered in snow, and the mountain and all of these rivers that were frozen over, and it was just gorgeous. And so we've kind of started making a tradition that for Christmas, we go off roading, we go out into the wilderness, and we enjoy the trees where they're at instead of trying to take them home. 

And even though part of me would love to still decorate a tree and have all the pretty glittery things, there is also a lot of magic in getting out into that fresh air and the chill and all that white, fluffy, undisturbed snow in the mountains. That's been actually an incredibly healing thing for me doing that on Christmas, instead of sitting at home and kind of reliving the trauma that I experienced as a kid. Because when I'm out there in the wilderness and I'm enjoying the beauty of nature, it's hard sometimes for me to even remember that life can be anything other than beautiful. So to me, creating my own tradition with my partner has been a very empowering thing that has helped me reclaim the season as something that is positive instead of something that is traumatic.

 AUTUMN 

 22:55 

That's really awesome, though. I was kind of expecting that, like the second year you got stuck on a mountain again. Like that was the tradition was you go out and get stuck on a mountain. So that, you know, that wasn't that bad because I was I was going to be worried a little bit with this Christmas coming up. Be like, do at least take provisions and tents and things just in case. But I also like that idea too, because it's a tradition for you. 

You know, I kind of talked about mine, but I am still pushing it outward. But this is a tradition in your little bubble in your little burrow. It's just for you. And I think that's a really important point to make, is that traditions don't have to be about future generations, or even people outside of you. It's still an important tradition if you enjoy it and you do it pretty frequently, you know what I mean? 

So let's go ahead and just move on to the next item that Ivy and I came up with. And this is one we almost didn't put it down because it is Ivy's cotton candy and my coleslaw. And that is the idea of family. And while Ivy and I are not big on the idea of family, and it makes us uncomfortable, to say the least, and that's ultimately why we did end up putting this on the list, though, is because it doesn't mean blood. It doesn't mean legalities. It doesn't mean you were raised with these people under the same roof. We've chosen to look at family as that bigger entity, that idea of found family (I think I've heard that phrase instead of family of origin.) 

Because if your family was traumatic and they're not supportive and you have issues with the whole freaking lot of them, then family is not a good reason for the season. It's going to make everything worse. But hopefully if you're on that healing journey, you found some people you connect to, some friends, some loved ones, maybe even some coworkers that you vibe with. And if that connection and that idea of support or that idea of love is important, then maybe don't just think of family as the people that I am legally or genetically from, but think of family as the people around you that you rely on and love and want to be there for. And hopefully they will be there for you. 

IVY

25:05

And if you really struggle with the concept of family as a whole like I do, you don't even have to call it family. I really have appreciated these last several years, the growing popularity of Friendsgiving, because I love that idea of just everybody gathering together with a group of friends. And then it's not about a family, because family, even the word, can bring up a lot of complicated feelings. 

I kind of cringe a little bit when people say the word family. I really don't even like that word because it makes me so uncomfortable. And I know that's some stuff that I have to heal, and I am actively working on that. But for now, even the word family is triggering for me. And so the idea that I can just spend the holiday season with people that I care about, friends and loved ones, and I don't have to think of it as a family holiday. That is pretty game changing for me. Getting to a space in my life where I could see that like, okay, I don't have to make this holiday about a family. I don't have to spend this holiday with my family. I can go spend it with friends. Friends is a word I like a whole lot more, and the people I call my friends are also people I generally like a whole lot more. 

So if you struggle with the concept of family, just scrap that word entirely and just focus in on your loved ones, your friends, your tribe, whatever it is that you call them. You don't even have to use the word family if that's triggering one for you. Same theory applies. Just switch out the word or something that's more comfortable for you. That doesn't trigger the ever loving shit out of you.

 AUTUMN 

 26:36 

 I mean, it's your reason, so it's your word. I totally agree with that. And when it comes to what does family look like when it's a reason for a season? I mean, I feel like that one is pretty self-explanatory. It is increasing time and connection with those loved ones, with those friends, with that tribe, with your family and just being around them more, interacting with them more. And that doesn't have to mean you have to make time to meet up or have special dinners, or buy expensive gifts or anything along those lines. 

It could be something as simple as sending them memes more frequently. Even that is increased interaction. And the great thing about that, too, is you're going to feel more connected with them. They're going to be on your mind more, and the other person is going to feel supported as well, knowing that you're thinking about them, that you're out there loving them, even if it's from afar. 

Now, if the idea of family, loved ones, friends still feels a little too confining, that just doesn't fit. Like I want a sense of connection, and I really think that would help me navigate this holiday season, but family or friends, it's just too cloying. Like I need something maybe less demanding. And if that's the case, maybe this next one on the list is for you. And that's the idea of a sense of community. And so this is not necessarily people that are closely connected with you, but it could be simply coworkers or people in your town or even people in your state. That idea of a sense of community is about being involved in something so much bigger than you. 

And one of the nice things about that, at least in my mind when you delve into that sense of community, is, yes, you have somewhat of an individual responsibility that you assume in that community, but there's so many more people to share that responsibility with. So sometimes it can feel a little less demanding than a friend or a family member can. 

 IVY 

 28:11 

Honestly, this is something where you don't even have to be directly interacting with another human. And I know that sounds weird, because when people think of community, they think of like, we're all in this together.  Let's all hold hands and Kumbaya and all of that stuff. Let's help each other out. I don't know about you guys, but during the holidays I have a hard time even keeping myself functional a lot of times because it is just such a rough time of year. So for me, interacting with humans in general, regardless of my level of closeness to them, can be somewhat challenging. But I still want to feel like I am part of the holiday festivities that I enjoy that I do have positive associations with, even if I don't have any money to really closely interact with people. 

And so I like going to just Christmas events, even if I'm not interacting with anybody. I really, really, really love - I know some people hate zoos - but I really love going to the Christmas lights at the zoo type thing. Or the Christmas lights and the botanical garden, because there's tons of people kind of milling about in there. A lot of them are with groups of families. Maybe that can be a little bit hard for some people. 

I kind of enjoy seeing them. I don't want to interact with them, but I like being in an environment where I have all the sparkly, pretty things and I get to see that there are families. That are happy. And maybe that stings a little bit sometimes for me because I didn't have that. But at the same time, there is part of me that takes a little bit of joy and feels a little bit of hope in my heart when I see a family that seems like they genuinely love each other and they're close, because it warms my heart knowing that there are some people out there that do have that connection and that there are children being raised and families that, from what I can tell at least, are loving and supportive, and those children are growing up in a good environment and they're getting to explore all these different places, different things that that they'll have positive memories about later on. 

The person closest to me that is a stellar example of this is my dear, sweet, wonderful friend Tai. She has a little boy and she does so many fun things with them. I checked in with her recently about what they did for Halloween. She was like, we did like six different things for Halloween, and she sent me pictures and all of his different costumes and her different costumes, all the different things that they went and did. And that brings me so much joy. Even though it stings a little bit for me like that, my inner child, because I didn't get to experience those things. I see the joy on her little boy's face, and I see the joy on her face to like there is real genuine love there. And there is a little boy who's going to grow up with so many wonderful memories of family. They're going to grow up with so many wonderful memories of all the cool things that they got to do with their mom over the years during the holidays. 

And so even when I don't know people personally, when I go to those sorts of events, yes, I'm out there with all of the pretty wonderful sparkly decorating things that I love, but I also get to see people who are interacting in genuine, loving, warm ways. And even when that hurts me a little bit, it still gives me hope for the future and it still gives me a sense of love. 

And I think maybe it's the maybe it's all the Christmas movies I watched as a kid, but that makes me feel a little bit better about humanity as a whole when I get to see things like that. Because it is hard sometimes to remember that there is goodness in the world when we see so much negativity. And it doesn't necessarily seem like you're part of the community. But when I go and do those things, I do feel like I'm part of it. I'm witnessing it, I'm observing it. I'm still in the presence of all of that positive energy. And I need that reminder sometimes that there is goodness in the world, because I tend to focus on a lot of the negative, especially around the holiday season. 

 AUTUMN 

 32:05 

 I really like that you pointed out that, you know, you can just be present in it, that you don't necessarily have to participate, because a lot of times when we do think of sense of community, we think, oh, I've got to go volunteer at the soup kitchen or help decorate Main Street or like, you've got to do things, or even if not that, maybe you have to participate in something big, like, I have to go to the Christmas parade or this, you know, holiday football game in order to be part of the community. But there are these tiny things you can do to. Like Ivy said, just kind of wallow in the positivity and that shared love and energy that is out there, especially around this holiday season. Because there are so many people that try so hard to make it a positive time for themselves and the ones they love. 

So another reason for the season that actually many people have, and I think this is a really popular one, is that idea of giving. Giving presents, giving of yourself, giving of your time, giving of your resources. And I will say with this one, I don't want to be Scrooge, but I always encourage people that want giving to be part of their season, especially if they're struggling with it to begin with, to really sit down and look at what resources they have to give. 

Because a lot of times we get stuck in this idea of what giving is. Maybe giving means volunteering or giving means I have to prepare Christmas dinner for everybody, or giving means I have to buy everybody a really good present. But maybe you don't have time. Maybe you don't have the ability to prepare an entire meal and not have a nervous breakdown. Maybe you don't have a lot of money, but the thing is there are so many different ways to give. 

And so look at all of the resources you have and say, What do I have to give? Do I have time? Do I have money? Do I have love? Do I have food? What is it that you have to give so that you can have that be the reason for the season without it draining you? 

 IVY 

 33:56 

 I know this sounds small to a lot of people, that you would be surprised at how much of an impact it can make is just having a safe space for somebody to come to. Because when you come from a traumatic background, chances are you have also developed close relationships with people who've come from traumatic backgrounds themselves. And maybe you don't have it in you to have a Christmas party. Or cook a big Christmas meal or something along those lines. But you probably will have a couple of friends who also struggle during the holidays and don't want to go home. 

And if you can just have a space open to them. Say, Hey, if you feel like dropping by, I'll be around. We can eat TV dinners together or instant ramen, or we can just watch a movie together, Christmas movie or otherwise. But it's cool for you to come by. I would love to have you stop by. There's no pressure, but if you want to, if you need someplace to go, if you need something to take your mind off it, I get it and I got you. And I know it doesn't seem like much, but it can mean the world to somebody who doesn't want to go home for the holidays, who is really, really struggling to get through. And they may be dealing with a lot of depression.

Just knowing that they have someplace safe that they can go to and they can spend with somebody who understands. Who isn't going to expect them to be holly jolly, who isn't going to expect them to even want to do the whole holiday thing. 

And honestly, maybe you've got some friends who need an excuse to not go home and so they can say, oh, you know, I got I got a friend who's really struggling with the holidays, and I promised that I would spend the holidays with them. I'll be your friend that is struggling through the holidays. Even if I'm not struggling that hard, I will pretend. You know I will even like - if you need me to I can even prove it to your family. Like you can come over to my place. You can call your family because you know they're going to guilt trip you into, like, trying to come over and I'll just be in the background, like sobbing about something. I'll make something up. I don't know, I lost my job and they gave my job to a dog instead. And now I just don't know how I'm gonna move on with my life. Because if I'm so replaceable that they don't even need another human, what will I do with myself? I will pretend that I'm having the worst time ever so I can give you an excuse to not have to go home and be around your family if your family stresses you the fuck out.

You would be surprised at how helpful and beneficial it can actually be to just offer a safe place for somebody to come when they need somewhere else to go, and they're just really having a hard time. That is actually incredibly beneficial and a wonderful thing that you can offer, even if you have nothing else to give, even if you don't have that much comfort to give, it still means a lot to just have someplace safe to go to. So it's like, okay, at least I'm not by myself. And I don't just sit around contemplating and brooding about how awful this time of year is and how much I'm struggling. 

 AUTUMN 

 36:50 

 I really liked your example of that Ivy, especially the idea of giving as a scapegoat. Like I will willingly be a scapegoat to unknown third parties because I always feel like because I do struggle so much with my own functioning that I don't have enough to give. But I've actually given that to a lot of people and they've been very appreciative. So when you do start looking at this one and going, all right, so what does that look like for me? Really deep dive into that idea of what services I'm actually offering the world. You know, maybe it is financial, but maybe it is something as simple as being a scapegoat or holding the door for somebody, or even just a small smile and a compliment on their absolutely horrible Christmas sweater. There's so many different things you can give. So definitely look at what resources you have and then and then act accordingly. 

Now the thing that I feel does not really get mentioned at all around the holiday season is the reality that giving is only half of an equation, and the other half of that equation is receiving. And I personally would argue that receiving can be a reason for the season. 

And I know society sees receiving as being so selfish, and we have to earn our keep. We have to work to earn the very right to exist or live in society. But that is some societal bullshit. That's some propaganda from the upper up people to keep us all cogs in the machine. The reality is that receiving is important. It's important for that connection between humans to be able to give and to be able to receive. 

And if you think I'm wrong, look at those people that love giving. When you receive that present with gratitude, with love, not with guilt and shame, that you didn't do enough to earn it, but with absolute gratitude and glee, that giver is so happy. And I think it's a really important concept to dive into around this time of year when everything is focused on giving and bleeding out your resources, to realize that it's equally important not just for you, but for your friendships and your loved ones and your connections and your community, to be able to receive back in, to receive those gifts that they want to give to you. 

 IVY 

 38:58 

I think this is one that a lot of us struggle with. Most of us probably have a difficult time receiving. And as challenging as the holidays can be and challenging generally used in a negative way, I think this is a good kind of challenge. Because I suck at receiving. Receiving compliments, receiving gifts, receiving help. I suck at those things, but those things are so much more freely offered during the holidays and there is the expectation that you will receive. And so it does challenge me in positive ways to break through those internal barriers that I have and allow myself to receive things. 

And I have to remind myself to that by allowing myself to receive, often what I am doing is I am, allowing myself to be loved, and I am allowing that person to show their love to me. Because it's not about the gift itself. Maybe for, you know, superficial office parties maybe that's the case. But when you're talking about these closer interactions that you have with friends, family, loved ones. Those relationships mean something. And so when those folks give you something, what they're really giving you is an expression of their love. And so when you are receiving, you're not just receiving that item, you're not just receiving a compliment, you are receiving that person's love. And we all, we all could probably stand to be challenged a little bit in allowing ourselves to experience love, to receive, love. To just receive in general. 

And I know transactional relationships have this very negative connotation put with them, but I've never had this negative connotation with the idea of a transactional relationship, Because I feel like for a relationship to be healthy and functional, there should be some expectation on both sides that this will be a mutually beneficial relationship. And so if you are always giving, giving, giving, and the person is always taking, that becomes a very imbalanced relationship. But if there is a give and take and there's this expectation of reciprocity, again, it's not like I am expecting you to give me a gift that is of equal value to the gift that I gave you. It's not that. It is I am offering you my love. This is a relationship that is mutually beneficial between us and so on some level, yes, I am expecting love in return and that is not bad. 

I have the expectation with Autumn that she loves me and that is not a negative thing. I have that expectation for a reason because she has consistently proven that she loves me and it is fine. It is okay. It is a wonderful thing for me to accept and to receive that love. 

And I don't know if this would help any of you out there, but when I really, really struggle with this idea of pursuing. Granted, this is not a Christmas song, but I always turn to Alanis Morissette song receive because that song is such a good reminder. It's a mantra, an anthem of it is okay for me to receive. I give so much of myself. I give so much of my love and my energy, my resources to these people that I care about, and it is okay for me to receive. I need to receive. I need to rest. I need to allow people in. I need to allow people to help me. I need to allow people to show their love for me. 

Because that expectation of reciprocity in the relationships with people close to you, that expectation is a healthy one, and it can't be one sided in order for it to be healthy. Nobody can be self-sacrificing all the time. And I know there's that push to be completely altruistic into how you have no desires for yourself and like all of those sorts of things, but you know, it's okay to want to receive. It's okay to receive things and not feel guilty. It's okay to allow yourself to be loved. 

And if you struggle with the idea of receiving gifts or compliments or things like that, try to think of it in that context. This person loves me. There is a level of reciprocity here. Part of me showing that I love them is allowing them to love me to. 

AUTUMN 

43:08

To me, a lot of what you said right there, that is the reason this is such an ideal reason for the season is because this idea of working on receiving and allowing yourself to receive the love and the gifts that others want to give you is so integral to finding balance and equilibrium and improving your mental health and improving your relationships. It's just so beneficial of a concept. And so if we can start receiving a little bit here and there and working on that idea, we're increasing our mental health. Which is exactly what we want right now because we have so many struggles during the holiday season. And so if we can do even a little bit of something to start improving our overall mental health and relationships, I mean, that's going to benefit us greatly. 

Though I do realize that we are talking about rewriting some serious internal scripts here, and it can be challenging to do rewrites like that when you're already struggling with the holidays. But like I said, finding that theme song that Alanis Morissette receiving or maybe positive affirmations or little practices that you can do here and there, they can make a big difference. And luckily for many of us, during the holiday season, you'll get lots of opportunities to practice that receiving. 

Now, I would say with that also, though, hand in hand with receiving, at least in my opinion is the next item on our list, which is gratitude. I know this is a big Thanksgiving one, but I feel like gratitude is such a great thing for this entire holiday season. It shouldn't just stop at Thanksgiving. It should probably be all year round according to the studies, which say that gratitude overall improves our mental health. 

But especially right now, one of the things that happens with me is I do get more depressed around the season because there are a lot of more negative things. I do get triggered more. There were a lot more difficulties in my childhood during this time. I am affected by the darker days and the colder weather, and so I do have a lot more negatives present in my life. And I have a really bad tendency that once the negative comes in, I let it take over everything. And so then I do lose the magic and I lose the hope, and then it gets so much harder to make it through. 

And I used to think gratitude was just ridiculous, cliched shit. But I forced myself to do this for like three months because I was getting so negative. Everything was so fucking negative with me. And it works! Like I want to say, oh no, this is just pop psychology bullshit. This is too cliched, it's too easy. It's not gonna happen. But it does help. I purposely made myself think of things I was grateful for, for things that made me happy, for things that made me smile. The end of every day. I had to fill out these five quotients that I had set up for myself to find five positive things in different areas, and by doing that for three months, it really did help. 

IVY 

45:52

I'll admit, I am always kind of struggled with this idea of gratitude, not the concept of gratitude itself, but with the, uh, I don't know, the cliche nature of it. It comes up with, you know, stuff that you see on social media, just like it's always the same basic things. It's like, be grateful for your family. Be grateful that you're alive because you can. Be grateful for the roof over your head. And like, yes, I understand we should all be grateful for those things because there are many people that do not have those things. I understand. 

But because that's all I hear, it just like it loses meaning after a while. It's like when you say a word too many times and it starts to not sound like a real word anymore. When I hear these specific things come up on the list of gratitude, I'm like, okay, yeah, I've heard that a million times. And it's like it goes in one ear and it goes out the other, and like, it doesn't even stick in my head. And if anything, it gets kind of annoying after a while. I'm like, okay, how many times do I have to be reminded to be thankful that I'm alive, when I'm not always even sure that I want to be alive? That's not helpful to me right now. Why do I need to be constantly reminded of this? 

So I try to take a slightly different spin on gratitude, and I try to find unconventional things to be grateful for. So I am a big nature person, so I generally tend to look for things in nature to be thankful for. Maybe I am thankful because I found a feather on the ground, or I found a hummingbird nest in a tree or I saw a really cool looking beetle, or I found a cool mushroom. I look for little unconventional things to be grateful for, and sometimes I really try to go wonky with it and try to find something like silly and off the wall stupid to be thankful for. 

I was doing this around Halloween because I was actually having kind of a hard time. Which sucks because Halloween is my favorite holiday, but I was really emotionally struggling with my mental health. And so on Halloween, since I did not get a chance to do any of the cool Halloween festivities I would normally do, just like nothing worked out, none of my plans that I had to do cool fall Halloween things worked out, so I was really bummed out. And on Halloween I decided, okay, I am going to sit around and do nothing all day except for watch Halloween or watch horror movies. So I did. 

And one of the things that I ended up being grateful for that day when I was looking for the unconventional to be thankful for - there is a horribly cheesy B rated horror movie that I have never seen, but I have seen lots of documentary about it, and I've seen it listed on tons of top ten lists for all sorts of different things. And it's called Killer Clowns from Outer Space. There's no way in hell that I would pay for that movie, but it happened to be on a streaming service that I already have. And so I was like, fuck yeah, I can watch Killer Clowns from Outer Space. It's going to be terrible. But I've been curious about this movie for months, and by God, I'm going to be thankful that Killer Clowns From Outer Space is on Netflix. I think it was Netflix or Amazon Prime.

But it's a stupid thing to be grateful for. And that's exactly why I choose to be grateful for things like that, because it does break me out of those same top five things you're supposed to Be Grateful for, according to the internet. I always try to look for things that other people don't think to be grateful for, and that's not me trying to be like hipster, like who's doing this before other people thought it was cool. No, it's just I'm trying to find things that break me out of that, that idea that like, okay, these are the things you're supposed to be grateful for and struggling to be grateful for those things. They don't feel applicable to me. Irrelevant. So what does? Apparently Killer Clowns from Outer Space. That felt relevant for me that day. 

I'm still fucking grateful that I found that on that streaming service. It's a garbage movie. That's fine. I finally got a chance to watch it, and now I can say, okay, I watched that horrible fucking movie. It was terrible, but it was funny. And now I know what everybody's talking about on these stupid, like, commentary channels on YouTube.

AUTUMN 

49:55

I love that. I love that that's what you are grateful for. And, you know, you say those five clichéd things and it's not like you're trying to be hipster or anything, but I feel like the five clichéd things, like the things we're always supposed to be grateful for, and the suggestions that are given are given by well-meaning neurotypicals. And I think for them, it's like any day above ground is a great day. Like, that's a very neurotypical phrase in my mind. And I'm like, I'm glad it is for you. 

And so I love this idea that you have of breaking out of that norm, because I think that's where gratitude goes awry for so many of us, is we are neurodivergent, you are autistic, you are ADHD, you are bipolar, borderline PTSD, whatever it is, that means your brain is wired differently. It also means those clichéd things that help neurotypicals a lot of times don't help us. And so I love that idea of finding the unique, quirky, little unconventional things that you're really grateful for and not just what the neurotypical suggests we should be grateful for. 

Okay, so let's go ahead and move on to the next item on the list we have here. And many Christians will argue to the death with this. This is the hill they'll die on. But the reason for the season, well, it's religion. And I'm not a big one into the idea of religion or making other people believe what I believe. So this one was a little like, ah, but again, if you broaden that out, it's not just religion but the idea of spirituality. 

And yes, you have the traditional holidays, you have Christmas or you have Hanukkah, you have these things that are very traditionally religious, but there are a lot of underlying spiritual pieces to this entire holiday season. And you don't have to be stuck within the Judeo-Christian ideology to have religion or spirituality be the reason for your season. You know, maybe you're not Jewish, but the idea of Hanukkah, the idea of lighting candles, of finding light in the darkness, I love that concept. I don't necessarily do that. I don't bogart their tradition, but I do find ways to have my own little spiritual traditions. And then Diwali, which I think will have already passed by the time we talked about this, because it's in November, but that's a Hindu holiday that's literally all about finding light in the dark. And Christmas has some very beneficial messages as well. And if you want to go even beyond that, you can go back to the pagan, the Saturnalia.

Or even just go really, really base and get in touch with the Earth and the idea of winter solstice. There is so much spirituality, at least for me, wrapped up in my connection with the earth and the universe. And so sometimes, instead of looking at what man has told me, I should believe. I allow myself just to be open to the universe and spirituality in general without ascribing a label to it. 

 IVY 

 52:40 

 This one is also a struggle for me. And the funny thing is, is I did not grow up with negative ideas about religion, and I don't even have the issues with the church that I grew up in. It was not a bad time for me. I know there's lots of people that do have deep seated issues and trauma associated with the Mormon church and many other religions. I did not have that experience, but I do not like people trying to force their religion on other people. And this is one of those times in the year where you do run into that. You run into that more often, and it does end up being kind of triggering for me. 

There was a couple of years ago where I made a post on Facebook about how I was actually doing okay that Christmas, and I kind of like found my, my reason and my safe space, and the love that I was looking for in my partner. And so like, I was actually having a decent Christmas compared to usual for me. And I kind of expressed that that was my reason for the season. And there is somebody who came and commented, well, actually, Jesus is the reason for the season. And I know they mean well, bless their hearts. And I do mean that in the southern way. I did not take kindly to that because I think everybody should find their own reason for the season. 

There are so many different religions and forms of spirituality and things that are not religious or spiritually focused that can be your reasons for the season. Although, that being said, I do still have like Autumn, some concepts and spirituality around it, but I don't ascribe to any one particular belief system. I mean, if I had to say it's probably some mix of like the Mormon stuff I grew up with and eastern philosophy and some like pagan shit. Like a random combination of things, as I don't have like a specific tradition that I do that is spiritually focused around Christmas. But I do kind of follow my intuition. 

I usually do some kind of ritual around Christmas, and I usually will connect to some sort of deity. It usually isn't the same day every year, but I'll connect to some sort of deity that represents what I feel like I need in my life at that time. That does have something to do with that idea of, you know, letting go of the old to make room for the new as the new year comes in, and that they start to get longer, and finding that light in the darkness. I do something different every year that does have kind of a spiritual focus, but it doesn't have any one particular religion at the back of it. It doesn't have any real structure. It's not a specific ritual that anybody has described as being a thing that you should do. I just kind of follow my intuition and I follow my heart.

And I know that that's kind of ambiguous for a lot of people because they want or need a little bit more structure, or they feel like it has to be very rigidly structured around a specific belief system like Christianity. But I would encourage anybody to embrace spirituality as part of your holiday season, regardless of what form of spirituality that takes. Even if that's just a very vague, universal level like connecting to oneself through introspection and then connecting to the earth through mindfulness or connecting to whatever God there may be, or whatever higher powers there may be, or just the universe as a general idea and concept. 

I do think there is something to be said for connecting to something that is bigger than yourself, than it is more all encompassing, this warm, loving energy that does exist in the universe. Because again, it can be very difficult to see positivity. Especially if you have a lot of negative emotions and memories wrapped up in the holidays, it can be very helpful to reach out to whatever powers may be that are loving and comforting and warm and wonderful, and may provide you with that sense of comfort and love that maybe you haven't been able to get from family, or that you haven't been able to experience this time of year. 

AUTUMN

56:30

I would definitely agree with that. I think the idea of spirituality in general helps us connect to, like Ivy said, something bigger, something deeper. It's kind of like those ideas of traditions where they can connect you back to the past generations. But these rituals, these concepts, can connect us to something so much bigger that can help us get on through this season, to find a light of hope, or to find a crutch to lean on during the hard times, whatever it may be. Religion and spirituality can definitely have its place. 

Though, I do also agree with Ivy that when it comes to this, do keep in mind that we are all different and we all do have different religious and spiritual beliefs that bring us comfort. And during these difficult times, knocking somebody comfort out from under them just makes you an asshole. It just does. So definitely submerge yourself in the religious or spiritual meanings that are important to you, but don't force those onto other people, please. 

All right. So I want to go ahead and move on to the next one on our list. And I feel like this one is really, really tied actually with the idea of religious and spirituality. And this one is creating a light in the darkness. And in my mind, this is really connected with religion and spirituality, because if you look at all of the holidays, the religious or spiritual holidays we have around this time of year, so many of them are focused on this exact concept. Like I said, Hanukkah bringing light into the dark, Diwali, lighting those candles, the solstice, finding that hope to look forward in the future of that light. And then even with Christmas itself, that Jesus is the light and the little twinkling of the Christmas trees and all of that. 

I feel like there is a reason that this theme is repeated again and again across different religions, across different cultures and different continents, is because I feel like the idea of bringing light to the darkness is so important this time of year. We do have the shorter days. You do feel like you're losing hope. You do feel like things are so much harder and it is easier to see the negative, and there is so much negative to see that I feel like hope is absolutely vital. 

 IVY 

 58:40 

I think this is also one of those ones that's challenging in a positive way. Very challenging. But I do think that there is some benefit to it for us in the long run. Because often with these shorter days, is this sense of hopelessness that comes with the holidays. It's a time of year that you struggle with mental health, with a history of trauma, whatever it is that you may be having a difficult time with, there is a greater sense of heaviness and darkness and hopelessness. And as hard as it may be when you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, the level of creativity and resourcefulness that we have to have to create our own light, I think, is something that is very brilliant and beautiful. 

In the past, when it was first out on my own and I'm I mentioned this in a previous episode, I was a bit of a dick about Christmas because I was angry about how shitty my life had been up to that point and how bad my holidays had been up to that point. And so I was just, like, angry at the world. And that didn't do anybody any good. It didn't really help me. It didn't help anybody else. What it did was rob me and everybody else around me of any joy and warmth and comfort and love that they could have gotten from this time of year that should embody those things. Just because during my childhood, this time of the year did not embody those positive qualities, does not mean that it cannot now. And just because there was no light in the darkness for me, then, does not mean that I cannot create my own light in the darkness for me now. 

It also doesn't mean that there wasn't any light back then. Because it seemed like there wasn't. And yet, even just in this episode, I've been able to point to things about the holidays that I did find joy and light and hope in. So obviously, even as a child, there was part of me that was strong enough and resilient enough that I could create light in the darkness. And if child me was strong enough and resourceful enough and resilient enough to do that, then adult me certainly can do the same thing. And there is some power in that. 

And I know it's frustrating for a lot of people to hear whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I know that's frustrating, but to a certain degree we are strong. And while it can be frustrating to have to create your own light in the darkness yet again, it does show just how powerful and resilient we are that even if the darkest of times we bring the dawn. We haven't always been able to rely on daylight to come to us, on the sun to return to us. And well, yes, in the cycles of nature, it does eventually come back around in the depths of that darkness. It often does not feel like it. It feels like that night is going to last forever. But when we can bring the light back to ourselves and into our own lives and into our own hearts and minds, there is a tremendous amount of power that is in that.

And that is often what my spiritual rituals kind of revolve around is that idea of I am in darkness right now, but I am strong enough and creative enough and still hopeful enough and optimistic enough. I can create a light in the darkness, even when it seems impossible to do. And I guarantee you that you have that power to do that as well. It may be hard to access. It can be incredibly challenging. It can be painful even to find that light. But I guarantee you that you have the power to do that. You have done it before. You will do it again. And there is so much benefit in doing that because you don't have to stay submerged in darkness. 

You do have the power to pull yourself out of it, and more than likely, there are people around you in the darkness who want to help in that process of bringing you into the light, and they want to enjoy that light with you. And so even if it seems like you're completely alone, I guarantee you that not only do you have the power to pull yourself out of this darkness, but you don't have to do it alone because there are others just within reach of you who may be struggling themselves. But who will take your hand and who will forge forward with you, and who will help you brainstorm ways to light a match in the dark? 

 AUTUMN 

 62:45 

I very much agree with Ivy that I do believe you have that power to create that light in the darkness. I'll also agree with Ivy, though, that especially around this time of year when we're struggling, it can be extremely difficult and it can be extremely frustrating. And so I also want to remind you that you don't have to create it out of nothing. Like Ivy said, to help you strike that match. I feel like there are a lot of little bits of light in the darkness. Like Ivy even said about our childhood, you know, I feel like it was all black, but looking back, there were these tiny glimmers. 

And I think sometimes we have to not think of it necessarily as creating the light, but finding the light. Because I think the light is already here in the darkness with us, and sometimes we just need to find it and breathe on it and make that spark become a fire, so to speak. And if you're looking for ways to do that, then I would definitely suggest our book, Finding Hope in the Darkness. It's a 30-Day Scavenger Hunt Challenge Journal. This actually is one thing a day you find to help be that little piece of hope. And we'll go and put that on sale for $0.99 on our web page. But even if you don't get the book, there are so many ways to both find and create light in the darkness to make that hope flare up not just for you, but for other people too. 

Somewhat related to that idea of creating or finding a light in the darkness is the next item on our list: Finding the light at the end of the tunnel. And this is definitely different than creating a light in the darkness, because with creating or finding a light in the darkness, it feels like that darkness is forever. Like it's never going to end and you have to build a fire therein. But if you're super lucky and you've done a shit ton of work, it's quite possible that when you're going through these struggles and you're going through these darker times, you are able to see light on the horizon. You're able to see the glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel. And that can be another way we can make it through the season. 

That can be another reason that can help us get through to the other side of this struggle, is focusing on that future hope and knowing that better days are going to come, the sunshine is going to return, and having that knowledge so that we can keep walking towards that hope. 

IVY

64:55

Rewinding a little bit here on this point, this is one of those ways we kind of talked about before how religious and spiritual beliefs can kind of help you through the holiday season, because so many of those belief systems have rituals that are connected to kind of like that winter solstice and the days starting to get longer. And it's that idea that, okay, we've had the shortest day of the year, and now the nights are going to become progressively shorter and the sunlight will be there a little bit more. So we are slowly headed towards spring. And so a lot of those rituals and beliefs are connected to that idea. And so if you do have that connection to spirituality of any kind, that is a great way to see that light in the darkness. 

But even if you don't have that spiritual meaning, try at least to get connected to that idea of those natural cycles and the idea of winter solstice. Even if you don't have spiritual beliefs to go along with it, it is still a reminder that, okay, we had the shortest day of the year, the sun's going to be out a little bit longer tomorrow, and it's going to get progressively better and it's not going to feel so dark. And in time things will start to warm up and the leaves will start to come back on the trees and new baby birds will start being born and spring is on the way. And I just need to get these next couple of months where it's still kind of cold and dark. 

And if you are really struggling with that concept and you just really need to feel a little bit more hope for warmer, brighter, better days, maybe you can jump start that process. Maybe you're not feeling in the Christmas spirit, but you are missing summer. So maybe instead of putting a Christmas tree up, maybe put up a vision board. People still the vision boards, I don't know. I still think it's a cool idea. That's very millennial of me, but put up a vision board of a vacation you want to take in the summer, fill your house with candles that are, I don't know, beach themed, summer themed flowers, fresh linens, whatever you associate with summer. See if you can get your hands on a watermelon, I don't know. Enjoy some summer treats, get some popsicles. Jumpstart that process even if you feel silly doing it. 

If you are really feeling the need to connect to those warmer, brighter, better days and winter is really hard for you, the holiday season is really hard for you. Maybe try to get your head out of the space and it being the holiday season of it being winter, give yourself something to look forward to by surrounding yourself with those things that you do look forward to. People do Christmas in July. Do it in reverse. Do the 4th of July for Christmas. There is nothing wrong with doing that. If you're really longing for the summer, you're longing for spring, and you just need to have that sense that it's not going to be dark forever. If you just need to escape the holidays. Surround yourself with jellybeans and Easter candy, whatever it is that will help you. It doesn't matter. You can create your own little sanctuary space in your home or in your car. Oh, whatever you need of these summer related things or spring related things, or just any time of year that you look forward to. More things that you're longing for, that you know are on the horizon, but you're having a hard time seeing them now because they feel so far away. Jump start that process for yourself. Just because everybody else is in the holiday spirit doesn't mean that you have to be. 

AUTUMN 

68:06

And that works in a definite figurative sense, not just a literal sense, you know? Ivy talks about surrounding yourself with summer and spring and those concepts. Well, if it's not necessarily the weather you have issue with, surround yourself with when it's going to be more loving or safer or whatever that figurative or literal light and warmth is you need. Keep your eyes on it. 

And kind of closely related to that idea, you know, a vision boarding and daydreaming about, you know, what's going to happen after I get my routine back. That sort of thing is escapism. I always believe that escapism has a place as a very good coping skill. Yes, you don't want to overuse it, nor do you want to overuse any coping skill. But when you use it with balance, it can provide a much needed break. Yeah, it's not going to necessarily fix anything. But it is going to give you enough space to breathe, to relax, to recoup, so that you can then focus on trying to make it through. 

 IVY 

 69:07 

 I personally will always be an advocate for escapism. It is. My favorite coping mechanism. Has been since I was a child and while yes, you can take it too far, like anything else. When used in moderation, it is extremely helpful, especially for intensely challenging, stressful times. And I use escapism quite a bit during the holidays and it can look like a lot of different things. 

Part of the reason why I fucking love me a Christmas Tree is because there are so many pretty things on it, and it's such a focal point in a room that even when I'm sitting around at home and I'm having a hard time with the idea of the holidays and those bad memories from the past, if I just look at that tree for long enough, I'm going to be in a better mood. If I focus on the ornaments. If I focus on the twinkle lights, if I focus on the smell of the pine tree because I always get a real tree. If I focus on those things for long enough, it's going to break me out of that cycle of negativity. 

And there's some level of mindfulness that can go into that too. Escapism is not always something that completely takes you out of the moment. Sometimes it's finding magic in the moment itself. Sometimes it's very much connected to mindfulness. I know those two ideas don't really jive for a lot of people, in the way that mindfulness and escapism are kind of represented in culture for us, but I feel often like they go hand in hand. Because, to me, both mindfulness and escapism are finding magic in the moment. They are focusing on these little things that bring us joy, and they're hyper focusing on those little things that bring us joy. 

So often we hyper focus on things that stress us out, work that jack up our blood pressure that make us miserable. Humans are prone to doing that. And the more trauma that you've been through in the more mental health issues that you have, the more likely you are to hyper fixate on negative things. But if you can find the magic in the tiny moments, if you can find something else to hyper focus on that brings you happiness or comfort or a sense of safety or joy, those are very worthwhile coping skills. And I think that escapism and mindfulness can go very much hand-in-hand. 

And I also am a huge fan of escapism in the sense of like delving into stories. Either reading books or watching movies. Maybe they're Christmas themed. Maybe they're not. But they're things that bring you happiness. Or coming up with your own stories. And I'm not saying I sit down and write a novel. This could just be daydreaming. It's okay for you to pretend for a while that life isn't shit. If you're struggling right now and you have a lot of stress, it's fine for you to not focus on that all the time. Not have to think about it all the time, to not have to worry all the time. There is nothing wrong with you taking some time for yourself and getting lost in a story, or getting lost in a daydream of something that you want for the future or happier times. Something that you're longing for. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. 

We all need a break from the stress and the worry, especially when that stress and worry is escalated by the holiday season. Even though there's positive things about the holiday season, even for people that like it, it's still ultimately more stressful. There's travel and family coming in from out of town, and there's events to go to and gifts to buy, like all of this sort of stuff. Even if you love the holidays, there's still additional stress. So if you're somebody who struggles with the holidays and you struggle with life, chances are you're going to be struggling even more this time of year. So if escapism gives you some joy by God, do it. There is nothing wrong with that. 

Anything can be taken too far, but when used in moderation, I am a huge advocate for escapism. Play some video games for a while, read a romance novel, watch a Christmas movie, whatever it is that gives you your jollies. And I don't mean that a sexual way. I mean that in a Christmassy kind of way. And just a joyous way. Whatever gives you your jollies, explore it. There's nothing wrong with that escape for a little bit. You've earned it. Believe me, you fucking earned it. I guarantee worry all the time. As it is, you deserve a break from the stress.

 AUTUMN 

 73:01 

You do deserve a break from the stress. I definitely agree with that. And say what you want about escapism, but if it helps keep you alive - because for some of us, the struggle is that significant that it does become life or death for us - and if escapism keeps you alive to see the sun of spring, then you fucking do it, because that's the goal making it through the season.

Now, my escapism, because I do like escapism, but I kind of made it my life in a little bit of a way - and what I actually call this is burrowing, and this is the next reason for the season that I really wanted to add to the list. Because I feel like this is one of my big reasons for the season, and I compared this idea to escapism, because for me, burrowing is an escape from world and society and all its pressures around me. 

And when I'm talking about burrowing, the idea that comes to mind is those cute little Christmassy photos where it's all snowy outside and you see underneath the tree, and there's little Miss Mouse reading to Little Baby Mouse, the little cute Christmas book, and they're all cozy. And the fireplace is going and there's like a little stew on the stove. Like, that's what I mean about burrowing. And no, I'm not a little field mice living under a tree, but I do have the capacity to create a warm, snuggly, loving burrow. 

And I know that's going to look different for everybody. But for me, like the best example of this actually just happened a couple of days ago. I'm in the process of moving. The holiday seasons are coming on. I'm stressing out, had a bad day at work. I come home and I'm like, I just need snuggle time. We climb up onto the bed. My boyfriend does. I do both my dogs and the cat and we all just snuggle. We lay there and we pet the dogs, and I lay on my boyfriend's shoulder and the cat attacks our feet. And it's just cuddly and warm. And it's a moment where I am surrounded by love and by safety and by acceptance, and where all of the weight of expectation and demand that the world has for me is just lifted for a few moments while I just feel warm and cozy, just like Miss Field Mouse in my little burrow.

 IVY 

 75:09 

I really love that idea. I think I have my own ways of doing that as well. Although with my penchant for escapism, I do spend a lot of time looking at those cool illustrations of just animals that have been humanized, and I guess. And I like those little illustrations. And I will look at them and I'll watch things like Little Bear and I will delve into that idea and pretend that I am one of those characters for a while. Because even though I am a full grown ass adult, it's still okay to pretend you can burrow into those warm blankets. You can have your stew, you can cuddle with your partner or your pets, and you can still pretend to be a field mouse if you wish. And sometimes I do wish to do that. 

AUTUMN 

 76:00

 Burrowing is great and it's gonna look different for everybody. But you kind of have to focus on, you know, what makes you feel safe? What makes you feel loved? What makes you feel accepted? What gives you that cozy feeling inside? And then do that! Maybe that's chill and Netflix with your boyfriend on the weekend. Maybe that's curling up in cozy blankets and having some hot cocoa. Maybe it's reading. Maybe it's doing home improvement, even it's part of burrowing. It's creating that safe, loving, accepting place that can be an escape from the world for you. 

All right. So the very last one on our list today that we were able to come up with as a potential reason for the season is the concept of out with the old and in with the new. I know this is associated a lot with New Year's and New Year's Eve, or potentially even Lunar New Year that happens closer into February. But I feel like this kind of goes hand in hand with that whole idea of light at the end of the tunnel.

But I like this one a little bit more because I like doing things. I'm a very anxious person, and it helps my anxiety so much when I can do things. And the whole idea of out with the old, in with the new is very a do-y activity. It's not just that I'm focusing on the hope that it's going to come towards me. I am actively cleaning up everything around me to make room for that hope. And I love that idea of taking time to say, okay, what behaviors aren't serving me? What objects aren't serving me? What is just dead weight in my life, whether literal or figurative, that's pulling me down? How can I let go of this? So that I can be open to those things I want to invite in my life. And then also to take time and be like, okay, what do I want to invite in my life? And how can I start planning to invite it in once I've made room? 

 IVY 

 77:42 

 I love this part of the holiday season. It's the tail end of the holiday season, but I love this part of the holiday season. Out with the old and with the new. And what I actually kind of love about it is that, you know, you have all of the distractions and stuff during Thanksgiving and Christmas and whatnot, but then New Year's comes and then after that there's like not a whole lot. And it's kind of rough for those few months. In some ways, it's even rougher than the actual holiday season itself, because you're lacking a lot of the distractions you had before, and now it's just dark and cold. 

So between New Year, the Gregorian New Year, the Lunar New Year, and then the spring equinox, you got bam, bam, bam, one right after the other, you have these three different opportunities to clear those things no longer serving you.  Maybe that's doin in spring cleaning. Maybe that's downsizing the things you have. Maybe that's moving to a new area, or maybe it's just trying to challenge the mental feedback loops that you have in your head that keep you trapped. 

It's a really good time of year for introspection, and I actually look forward to that aspect of it. Because after Christmas and whatnot, things do kind of calm down. And yeah, it is dark and cold in that part can be kind of frustrating. You can kind of get into that seasonal affective type stuff while you're feeling depressed. But if you can focus on those opportunities, each one of those months as spring is approaching, if you can focus on those opportunities to really clear out the things that are no longer serving you.

I think it not only allows room for the good to come in, and not just waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel to come to you. I think when you actively take charge of your life, whether that's setting New Year's resolutions, which I know sounds super cliche, or like I said, spring cleaning and all of those sorts of things. When you take an active role in letting go of the things that cause you pain, and letting go of the things that stop you from moving forward, whether that's internal or external environment, you're not just creating space for the good to come to you, you are actively pursuing the good. You see that light at the end of the tunnel and you can make a run for it. Because when you see that light at the end of the tunnel, oftentimes, like, I don't know about you, but when I know the end of a difficult trail is coming, I get that second wind and I am good to go. 

Recently, my partner and I, we went to this place called the Ape Cave and it is a mile and a half walking through a cave and the sign was labeled difficult walking. It was not difficult walking. There were boulder fields in there that were piled almost all the way up to the ceiling. You're having to crawl over these giant piles of rocks. It took us about three hours. Difficult walking was understatement of the year. And at one point we saw this, this light up ahead. I'm like, Holy shit, is that the way to get out? And we get up there and it's just this hole above us. We're like, you can't be that fucking way out, because there's no way that we can get out that way. And sometimes you do get kind of the false hope, and you see that light and you're like, oh, we're gonna go towards it. And then you get there and you're like, fuck, I'm still stuck here. I can see the sky. I can't get to it. And you kind of have to still go into the unknown. 

And there is a lot of that this time of year, too. It's a lot of like this. Stop and go. It's like I made this step forward, and yet I feel like I'm still stuck or I feel like I'm so falling backward. And that's part of this too. And I feel like that's why it's great that we get these three opportunities between the Gregorian or the Lunar New Year and the spring equinox, to clear away those things that no longer serve us, and to clear away those mental obstacles that keep us stuck here. 

Because once we got past that false hope, that just skylight it was seemed wonderful and amazing as we were coming up to it and then turned out to be disappointing. We kept going forward and we had a couple more boulder fields to climb over and we were like, oh shit, we're never gonna get out of here. We're gonna have to turn back. We're gonna have to do this whole difficult thing in reverse. It's going to take another couple of hours. Could it be dark when we get out? And we're starting to get kind of stressed out about it. And just at that time, we see the actual light at the end of the tunnel. And I'm telling you guys, like, we fucking booked it. Never moved so fast in my life, and I have never been so happy to see a rickety ass ladder.

And I feel like that is often what this season is like for me. And I would think for probably a lot of us, it's a lot of stop and go. It's a lot of, I just got to get past this last boulder field. Surely there's not another one after this. There's another one. Is that the way out? No, it's not the way out. How long am I going to be in here? Am I stuck in here forever? And you finally see that light at the end of the tunnel. And at that point, you have cleared so many obstacles, you've overcome so many things, you faced so many challenges, and it does give you more power. You may be exhausted by the end of it, but holy fuck have you accomplished a lot. 

And when you do finally see that light at the end of the tunnel, the actual real one, you run for it, you book it, and you are grateful for that rickety ass ladder, and you're grateful for that rain that is pouring down on top of you as soon as you get out. You're even grateful for a mile and a half walk back to the parking lot in the pouring rain. Because by God, you survived. You got out. And now, now you've accomplished something. You've accomplished something. And that rain on your face. Even though that would normally be annoying to you, it feels so cleansing and that fresh air. You've never been so grateful for it, and you've never been so grateful for that beautiful scenery around you. 

And I feel like that is part of the magic of this year, is that every year we conquer another Christmas. That's fucking impressive, guys. That's fucking impressive because we've conquered a lot of Christmases already. We've gone through a lot of these really difficult seasons. We have been through hell. It's probably not the last time we're going to go through hell, but we've been through hell before. We know what we're capable of, and every time we clear another one of those obstacles and emerge back out into the daylight or into the rain, it's still an accomplishment. It can still be a point of pride. It can still be a time when you can feel empowered. 

Yes, it's exhausting in your sore and you're a little bruised up. But you made it and you're stronger than you thought you were, and you can move forward and do even better the next time, because you have a reason to keep going and because you know what you're capable of and you know how strong and resilient and amazing you are. 

 AUTUMN 

 83:59 

I think your cave is just like an excellent figurative, you know, example, that analogy like that's so spot on perfect. I think also it's not just you're like looking for that light on the horizon, you're also dropping the ankle weights and all the equipment that no longer is needed so that you can get to that escape point. 

And I would say, don't even limit yourself to those three. Start it sooner. Start it right now in December. One of the suggestions I have heard, which I really love - because I think this is a great idea for helping children to understand this concept on a more literal level - is I've heard that some parents, what they do before Christmas is they go through all of their toys in their clothes, and they let the kids pick out things they want to donate to a local charity or a hospital if it's stuffed animals or a thrift store. So that other people can use it. So it gives the kids that good feeling of giving because it's their item and they're giving it away to somebody else. So they get to have that experience, but they also get to start learning this idea of, yeah, this doesn't really fit me anymore. Or yeah, I don't really play with that much anymore and maybe it could help out somebody else. And so they get to start learning this on a literal level so that later on they can incorporate this figuratively. 

So it's not a teddy bear or a sweater that we're giving up. It's an old thinking pattern. It's a bad relationship dynamic so that they can then be open and have the space in their closet or their toy box or their mind for that healthy relationship and that new script in their head that's going to help them be so much healthier. 

Alright, now with all of that, those are the suggestions we have, and we know there are a lot more out there. These were just the few that we were able to brainstorm, and we would love to hear from you to know what your reasons for the seasons are. Maybe they're ones we listed, maybe they're ones we didn't even think of, but we would love to hear them. Ivy, can you go ahead and give them our connecty bit so they can find out where to send their reasons for the seasons? 

 IVY 

 85:51 

 I sure can. I forgot I have other things that I need to plug here. I'm just like, I'm checked out now, okay. Right. You can find us at our website www.diffeentfunctional.com. You can find us on social media. We're on Facebook is Different Functional. We are on Instagram and TikTok as Different_Functional. You can find us on Patreon as Different Functional. You can email us if you want to at DifferentFunctional@gmail.com. 

We have merch on TeePublic. If you are interested in some funny shirts that have to do with trauma and neurodivergence, you could find us on there. Although best way to actually find TeePublic because they are stingy bitches with their search results is to go to our home page of our website. There's a link there that will take you directly to our TeePublic storefront. And soon I will be getting our merch on other websites as well. 

And the product that Autumn mentioned earlier to help you find some light in the darkness that is actually on our website. You can find that in our products page, and I will also have it listed on our resources page for this episode if you are interested at. And I think that's all the ways that you can contact us.

And we would love it if you do contact us. Reach out! We would love some interaction with you guys. I know we talk a lot of shit on the podcast in general about how much we don't like talking to humans, but you guys don't count as humans. You don't count as people. You're better. You're better than people. We do want to interact with you, so don't be put off by how cynical we are about humans and how we talk about how we don't like interacting with people. Trust us. You don't count as people. We like you. Reach out to us. We would love to hear from you. 

And if you'd like to support the podcast in other ways, it would be amazing if you could leave us a rating or a review comment even, or like some of our posts on social media. Just anything that helps boost us up in the algorithms and lets people know that we exist.

 AUTUMN 

 87:50 

That would be awesome. And you know, you're those kind of people when Ivy said, oh, but you're not like the humans you felt like aww, that was a compliment. That definitely means your our type of people. 

And I do want to also say very much, thank you to the people out there that are sharing our social media that are liking it, that are hearting, that are commenting, that are watching. We do see you out there. We do try to respond to everybody in the comments, and we thank you so much for doing that and helping us continue to find an audience and to grow so that we can continue doing this.

For today we will go ahead and wrap up, though. As always, remember, different does not mean defective.